run away and escape.

Sonofabitch.

Days like today make me want to just run away and escape. Fuck peace, fuck loving support, fuck patience. I am a good mom, kids are stressful, I know. Seriously, you can kiss my ass if you think you're going to tell me something I don't already goddamn know. It's not going to help me out of this. But I think I know what will...

I need a fancy drink. I don't care if that shit costs $$ at this point. Who cares?! My drink of choice during day hours is a cafe mocha. Seriously. it's fucking espresso, milk and chocolate, but I'm a sucker for it. Somehow this makes me feel better.

I want to fill my body with food. I'm pulled towards junk food when I'm feeling stressed. Comfort food? Hells yeah. I know that filling my body with processed foods will only contribute to me feeling like a piece of shit so it's horribly contradicting knowing what will taste good will only make me feel worse. Self-awareness blows.

I need an alcoholic beverage. I want a few drinks to numb the stress. I want to get shit-faced and laugh the night away with a friend. But you know what else drinking does for me? It makes me introspective and sad and that's just too fucking depressing when you're already feeling like shit. So until I'm feeling more in control of where I am, drinking is off the list. But damn, it sounds good.

I need to touch and be touched. I want a massage. I want to be hugged. I want to snuggle into someones shoulder and just be. I want to lie down with my children and feel their sweet breaths on my face. I want to be kissed so hard and with so much passion it makes me cry. I want to get laid.

I need to talk. I need to just talk my fucking heart out and get out all that's crowding my brain. I don't want to explain or justify or rationalize. I just want to blab on and on without a worry that I'm too fucking much for someone to handle.

I need to pray. I pray. I was raised in a prayerful home. And you know what the fucking irony is? I forget to pray when I need to the most. I need to lift up my worries and concerns and trust my prayers will be answered.

I need to move my body. I need to get my body moving. I need to stretch my body and feel its strength. I need to sweat and breathe hard and feel the blood moving through my veins. I'm gifted with an able body, and I need to fucking move it.

That felt good. This feels good. I don't have any answers and I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. But I have the tools. I have the skills to get over this. I am stronger today than I was in the past, when I felt like I didn't know what the hell to do with these emotions. And that feels fucking amazing. That brings a smile to my face just knowing that I can feel these hard feelings, and I can have extremely tough days, and I know I'm going to be okay. I'm going to better than okay. I'm going to fucking thrive and grow. And I will have the strength to show others the same loving support that I give myself.

Sonofabitch.