Parenting Tips 101

As a mother of three, I consider myself an expert on all parenting matters. That's right folks, you've heard it here. I am the shit when it comes to anything related to raising children. Here are some basic rules to follow if you want to be the bomb at parenting.

1. Don't be so rigid in your rules and expectations. You can't expect your children to have great behavior (i.e., behavior that doesn't annoy the shit out of you) all of the time. That's impossible. You try to have someone older, bigger and more powerful than you always on your ass and see how you feel. Wait, that reads a little more dirty than I wanted. Let's move on.

2. Greet your children with love and happiness. Now I'm not saying you have to squeal and jump around like an asshole. But get down on their level and give them a smile and express your love in whatever way works- a high five, a hug, a kiss. Something that communicates your love. Because you know they're going to do something ridiculous sooner than later that will make you want to flip your lid. So take advantage of that first moment when all is good with the world and your child is not acting like a b-r-a-t.

3. Observe aloud when you see something you want to reinforce. There's lots of ways to change behavior, which probably include the words stop, don't, and you've got to be fucking kidding me (just kidding about that last one...obviously). But I try to notice the great choices my kids make by recognizing what I see. I think it's more effective to be specific than to just say "good job" over and over throughout the day.

4. Be as kind to yourself, oh Great One, as you would to another parent. This one will be easy, unless you're a true judgmental asshole to other parents. If that's the case, then you're shit outta luck. But if you'd offer loving support to another parent, then turn that around and treat yourself with love. This means letting go of the shitty parenting mistakes you've made.

5. Look for ways to be better, not perfect. Think about one or two areas you'd like to improve on then take small steps to get there. It's not going to happen overnight and you will have times when you regress. But the important part is to be aware of areas you know need improvement. Because really, we all want to be pleasant enough people to those around us, and if we know we're kind of a douche in certain areas, then the smart thing is to work on improving.