Tuesday, October 22, 2013

I'm so past this.

I stepped out tonight to grab a beer from the cooler (don't ask) and I felt transported to this other time- a time where I was childless and didn't have anything to stress over. I didn't have bins in my basement full of clothes to pass on to another kid or a cat or a dog or a washer and dryer.

I felt the air and I felt the freedom. I felt how it feels to just fucking be.

My children are asleep. My husband is off with his poker buddies. I'm here in the house with a cold one thinking back to life ten, twelve years ago.

How can I love my family so much and feel so sad for what has passed? I don't want to return to my younger years, mind you. I want to see my children grow and my marriage flourish, but damn, tonight felt good.

It feels like a time where I can be selfish and enjoy my time on my own. I can think about my path and where I see myself in twenty years.

I loved feeling the air tonight, the cold fresh air. I felt the air that met my face twelve years ago as I ran down the sidewalk with my boyfriend after a late-night party. I felt the air that crept in my room, in the house I rented with four other women. I felt the chill that made me feel like life was one open-book.

It's not so open anymore, I tell you.

My life is decided. I have three children. I have a husband. I have a dog, a cat, three chickens. And I really like that. I do.

But it's also worth mentioning that it's somethin' to think about. It makes me happy and sad and curious all at the same time. I can't wait to figure out what our journey holds. I can't wait to see who our children grow to be in five, ten years time. I wonder who I will see when I look in the mirror after my children have left my nest.

I loved the feeling of the air tonight, but I just can't spend my time out there enjoying it. Because my children are here, inside with me. And that's my place.