Get Away.

How can I love, love, LOVE my family so much and yet dream about needing to just get a momentary break from them?!

(frantically waving hand above head "I know! I know! I know!")

Easy. It's BECAUSE I love them so much and I'm so damn invested in their lives. It's because I have three children with the youngest being 4 months and I'm his EVERYTHING right now. It's because I'm human and not super-human and I tend to get into these darker places where everything feels BIG and sad and overwhelming.

This is a place where Oprah could come and swoop me away for a weekend away and I'd fall in love with the idea to just LEAVE and yet I wouldn't be able to actually go. Because as much as I need my space and I wish I had just a few hours away (or maybe a few days...a few weeks?) I'm tethered and connected and I. Just. Can't. Not now, at least.

One huge reason is that I've chosen to breastfeed exclusively. My youngest needs me, as in, he physically NEEDS me and this is a choice I've made. You'd think that from the sound of it I'm resentful and pissed and that I'm all whiny about it. No, no, no, you're wrong. I love my son. I love breastfeeding him. I could ask other mothers for milk, I could head to the store to buy formula, I could pump 'round the clock to get a huge stash of milk for him while I fly away to some exotic location. I have options, people! I know this. But nature has made it that I wouldn't be able to walk away from my baby at this point; my body and heart and mind would be consumed with thoughts of him, and I'd be miserable if we were truly separated. A couple hours I can do, but soon after that my body literally begins to ache for him. And to be honest, I don't WANT to leave the boy. I just don't. Not yet, at least.

Another reason I couldn't leave now is I need my husband. Lord, our relationship isn't flawless. We are approaching our tenth wedding anniversary and we're raising young children. It's good enough if he remembers to set up the coffee maker for the next morning and I remember to switch over the laundry. We're consumed with simply keeping our kids alive, and we wear our parenting hats ALL THE TIME. And while I would love some time away from the family, I just really couldn't walk out the door without my husband. Because as much as I want time for ME, I really, really want some time for US.

Alright, why else am I bucking my fantasy vacation that resides only in my head? I look around my house and there's SO MUCH I want to get done before I get that break. Because really, I don't want to head off for my getaway knowing I have a shitload of laundry that needs to get sorted, piles of stuff that I need to bring to the donation center, floors that need to be mopped. Yeah, my husband would do a lot of that housework, but I kinda need my space to be cleaned and cleared away and organized before we leave on vacation because I know when we return it's going to just get worse with vacation laundry and unpacking and all that other stuff that happens upon return. So before I leave to go ANYWHERE amazing, I need to physically prepare my space and feel good about the state of our home.

I know I won't be in this place forever. Man, we have had times when our parents have watched our children and we are KID-FREE for days at a time. It's totally great, by the way, and I LOVE that time where it feels like it's just the two of us. But those are at moments in our lives when we're ready for that break and the timing is right. Now? Now the timing is not right. I'm in this place of mothering my youngest that keeps me from really wanting to be separated. I need to be with my husband and share time TOGETHER before escaping my life and responsibilities. And my home and space does not feel settled; I need it to feel ready in order for me to leave. And perhaps it doesn't feel ready because I'm not ready to escape and embrace a solitude getaway.

No. Right now I love my time when I can write or read or rest. Browsing mindlessly on the computer or going to work without the baby...these are all tasks I can totally embrace and own. I'm not ready to head off or runaway from my stage in life. Not yet.

And so Oprah, if you're reading this, please, PLEASE don't choose me for some fantastic weekend vacation. That is, not unless I can bring my family.