Thursday, April 11, 2013

Baking with Kids

Reasons why baking with your children is a stupid activity:

Your children will insist on helping. I shit you not, your kids will insist on scooping, measuring, pouring, mixing, and whipping. And when you try to correct them or show them how to do it because they have no fucking clue what "folding in" means, they act like babies and start whining. 

Your children have poor eye-hand coordination and will make a fucking mess.  Have you seen your kids try to measure out baking soda? Expect to lose most of said ingredient to the counter top because it ain't getting in the bowl the first go-around. No, you'll wind up with a counter top that rivals that of coke dealers, full of white powdery shit. You literally only need one teaspoon of baking soda and your kid has managed to rip open the box and waste all $0.90 worth of it. True, measuring out baking soda from a box that has a hole ripped in the side can be difficult, but let's not fool ourselves. Our kids' coordination sucks. 

Your children have no concept of time and will ask you ten thousand times if it's ready. Is it ready? Is it ready yet?  What about now? Now? Is is done? Can I have it now? Why not? How about now? It's ready isn't it? It's ready and you're just not giving me any. I wish we never did this. You're the meanest mommy ever. Is it ready yet? 

Your children's sense of taste is bunk. Kids will eat dirt. They'll put old cereal bits from beneath the couch cushions in their mouths, chew and swallow that shit. So don't be too flattered when they tell you how delicious those cookies you made together are or how yummy those brownies taste. They will eat the shittiest foods and turn their noses at the food they declared was their favorite just five minutes ago. There is no consistency with anything related to children.

Your children think everything is unfair, even when you're trying to make something inclusive. I fucking hate when I'm trying to introduce a fun activity and my kids just ruin it with their shitty attitudes. It's not fair. He got to stir longer. She got to pour in the flour. Blah-blah-blippidy-blah. It's totally annoying and I am certain I've said on many occasions, THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE FUN! Life isn't even or equal or fair and this is something I try to explain to my kids on a daily basis. They just don't get it.

Your kitchen will be a mess. Not that your kitchen is spotless (mine isn't) but I'm going to warn you: your kitchen will be a fucking mess. It will. There's no way around it. And if you try to include your kids in cleaning up, it will just get worse. But really, your kids will be done with helping by that point and you'll be stuck cleaning up the chaos, and they'll be watching Phineas & Ferb and will forget all about the mess they've made.

If you decide to go ahead and bake with your kids, I wish the best of luck. And when you're done, don't forget to save me a piece of whatever deliciousness you made. 

No comments:

Post a Comment