Preparing for the life I want.

I want a life of simplicity. I want a home that reflects my values. I want our family's lifestyle to be full of simple joys.

I want our home to hold only the items that we use or will use in the following months. Our home is a haven, a place that holds our belongings, and our refuge from the world outside. If it's cluttered with stuff then we're going to spend all our free time managing our stuff. And what fun is that?! I say find a home for all that extra shit lying around and figure out how you're going to manage the crap in your house that is taking over your life.

Figure out a few areas in your home that are stressing you and figure out some possible solutions. I already know we need a better system to handle incoming paper (mail, kids' school papers, etc.). I could invest in bins, mail racks, letter trays and whatever else they sell to corral paperwork, but it won't do A DAMN THING. You know why? Because I'm an asshole that can't stay on top of the overwhelming crap that comes through my door. I also know we need a better laundry system. It seems I could spend an hour EVERY DAY to just stay on top of the craziness I call LAUNDRY HELL. And really, I don't feel like using my time this way! So basically, I'm lazy. There, I said it. I'm a lazy asshole.

Our family should spend quality time together. I envision our family taking walks after dinner, talking about our day while getting fresh air and some exercise. It's free and easy, but do we do this? No. Can I tell you why? It's because family life is hectic and full of tasks to complete and every other excuse I can throw your way. But we're in charge of our lives, and this would be an easy area to change. I think. Maybe. Who the fuck knows...

Really, I need to decide to be in charge of lives and make the changes I want to see happen. No one else will, and our family is still young enough to instill the traditions and routines I want our family to practice.

What changes do you want to make in your life? And how will you make it happen? And while you're at it, throw me some motivation.

I have time for you.

My daughter came up to me while I was typing out a post (one of my many unfinished posts that never make it to completion). She settled in next to me on the sofa and started to say something. I interrupted her to say something along the lines of, Mommy is writing something and it's sort of private, like a diary. Since she can read, I didn't want her reading the post; I was self-conscious, first of all, that she was going to read something that wasn't ready to publish and second of all, it's not exactly appropriate content for a six-year old.

But then as she was getting off the couch to walk away, I clicked Save and closed the laptop. I remembered what I learned at a parenting class I attended, (not court-ordered or anything, but I attended by choice, thank you very much) and I used the words I remembered the instructors sharing: I have time for you. 

I have time for you.

How do we share this sentiment with the people with whom we interact? How do we communicate to the people in our lives, I am here with you. You are important. I am listening. 

I spent time talking with my daughter on the couch, cuddled up and sharing our thoughts. It was just the two of us, side by side, taking turns talking and listening. At that moment, my body language and words communicated to her just how important she is to me. And that felt so refreshing from how I might parent on nights when I'm tired and just ready for some quiet time.

I was thinking of ways to help stay in the moment. Here they are:

What is important? 

What would I want from a person I love? 

What kind of memory am I making? 

Is this how I'd want to be treated?

Is this helping or hurting my relationship?

What am I teaching my child?

I think I've said it before when I say I am not aiming for perfection. I realize my own limitations, and I am a better parent when I address my own issues and needs. But I also get that this time I have with my my family, my friends, and (insert your name here) is affected by how engaged I am in the relationship now. And yeah, it's fucking hard to make time and be there for the people I love. There are times in my life where I don't know how to care for anyone else's needs because I'm struggling to just keep my head above water. And that's okay. Because those feelings don't last forever and those are the times when my loved ones keep me afloat. And I know, down the road, that someday I will be strong enough to hold someone's hand during their shitty times.

Bitchy Bitch

I'm such a bitchy bitch.

It's like, I start talking and I just  know I should shut up and I don't and I keep going and I get more bitchy by the second. And the usual victim of my bitchiness? My husband, of course! The man that I promised to love forever and ever is the one that I happen to shit on. Not literally. Ew, gross.

So, when I feel like I need space because I'm tired of tending to my kids' needs, I really just shut down and need to be alone. I might be spending time on the computer, watching a show, writing a letter...you get the picture. But then my husband happens along and starts talking to me, as in, he wants me to listen to the words he is speaking. And he probably wants me to give a response in some fashion. And all the time I'm thinking in my head, I am doing something else here. Can't you see that? Give. Me. Space. 

So he does. He gives me space and he walks away to do something else. And then I feel incredibly guilty and annoyed and sad and all wishy-washy, and I'm a fucking mess inside. I wonder why I'm so mean, and why can't I just be with the man that I really and truly love to pieces. But then I tell myself it's okay to want space and it's okay to do something that brings me peace! Taking care of ME makes me a happier wife and partner! ISN'T THAT OBVIOUS?!

But for reals, how in the hell am I going to sustain this relationship, the one I want to last until we're 95 years old and wrinkled and full of memories, if I don't fucking care for it the way it deserves?

The challenge here will be finding the time I need (I truly, truly NEED my time) to pursue activities that renew my energy while balancing the needs of my husband (and children and friends and family and...).

Here are some changes I could make:

• Determine a time to sit and talk without distractions. This time should work for both parties and should ideally be a time when there are no laptops, phones, TV, or needy children present that will totally distract you from one another. 
• Decide a set amount of time for both parties to have "me" time. This may happen simultaneously so each person has an opportunity to work on their own interest or activity, or you can take turns so the other parent can tend to the children and/or pets while the other one can focus without interruption. 
• If one of us needs to communicate with the other during their "me" time, figure out the boundaries and decide how you want to be interrupted. This doesn't just apply when the other one is pursuing a hobby or other creative interest; this may be when your partner is working on paying bills or tending to a job around the house. Being interrupted from the task at hand, especially one that requires concentration, can be frustrating and can break that focus.
• When I am working on something that requires me to focus, I should remember to communicate clearly to my family when I will be available to tend to their needs. It's easy- "Kids? Husband? I am going to _____ but I will be available to you in ______ minutes." There. Done. Badda-boom-badda-bing. 
• Prioritize. I may REALLY WANT to write or search aimlessly on the Internet because it brings me a sense of calm and helps me unwind, but if someone in my real life wants to talk with me then and there, I need to ask myself, what is most important right now? Maybe it will be that I NEED TIME FOR MYSELF and everything and everyone will have to wait until I'm recharged. But I'm guessing that most of the time I will be able to turn my attention to this important person in my life. 
• Send my love through the words I speak. My family doesn't deserve someone to talk shitty to them or be short or bitchy. They just don't. When I'm tired and cranky and I snap, "WHAT?!" to my husband, that's not right. I don't need to be all perfect with my kids, but they deserve to have a parent that's able to check their own limitations and use a tone that communicates love rather than WHAT THE FUCK?! I'M BUSY HERE! 

I'd love to hear some of your suggestions on how you balance the needs of your family with the needs of self. 

Baking with Kids

Reasons why baking with your children is a stupid activity:

Your children will insist on helping. I shit you not, your kids will insist on scooping, measuring, pouring, mixing, and whipping. And when you try to correct them or show them how to do it because they have no fucking clue what "folding in" means, they act like babies and start whining. 

Your children have poor eye-hand coordination and will make a fucking mess.  Have you seen your kids try to measure out baking soda? Expect to lose most of said ingredient to the counter top because it ain't getting in the bowl the first go-around. No, you'll wind up with a counter top that rivals that of coke dealers, full of white powdery shit. You literally only need one teaspoon of baking soda and your kid has managed to rip open the box and waste all $0.90 worth of it. True, measuring out baking soda from a box that has a hole ripped in the side can be difficult, but let's not fool ourselves. Our kids' coordination sucks. 

Your children have no concept of time and will ask you ten thousand times if it's ready. Is it ready? Is it ready yet?  What about now? Now? Is is done? Can I have it now? Why not? How about now? It's ready isn't it? It's ready and you're just not giving me any. I wish we never did this. You're the meanest mommy ever. Is it ready yet? 

Your children's sense of taste is bunk. Kids will eat dirt. They'll put old cereal bits from beneath the couch cushions in their mouths, chew and swallow that shit. So don't be too flattered when they tell you how delicious those cookies you made together are or how yummy those brownies taste. They will eat the shittiest foods and turn their noses at the food they declared was their favorite just five minutes ago. There is no consistency with anything related to children.

Your children think everything is unfair, even when you're trying to make something inclusive. I fucking hate when I'm trying to introduce a fun activity and my kids just ruin it with their shitty attitudes. It's not fair. He got to stir longer. She got to pour in the flour. Blah-blah-blippidy-blah. It's totally annoying and I am certain I've said on many occasions, THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE FUN! Life isn't even or equal or fair and this is something I try to explain to my kids on a daily basis. They just don't get it.

Your kitchen will be a mess. Not that your kitchen is spotless (mine isn't) but I'm going to warn you: your kitchen will be a fucking mess. It will. There's no way around it. And if you try to include your kids in cleaning up, it will just get worse. But really, your kids will be done with helping by that point and you'll be stuck cleaning up the chaos, and they'll be watching Phineas & Ferb and will forget all about the mess they've made.

If you decide to go ahead and bake with your kids, I wish the best of luck. And when you're done, don't forget to save me a piece of whatever deliciousness you made. 

Making Friends

It is fucking hard making friends.

I'll just say it. Making friends as an adult is awkward and weird and just plain complicated.

And it changes at different stages. Speaking as a mother, there are even different stages in which you make friends. Prenatally, you may just connect with another expectant woman because you're both growing little people and you're so hormonally driven that you fucking need to bond and talk about hemorrhoids and your vagina and shit. But then you have the kid and you're suddenly split into camps; are you breastfeeding, cloth diapering, going back to work, etc. You have to choose which team you're on because every decision you make regarding your child feels so huge and big and important.

But then your kids get older and you realize your kids have opinions about who they hang with and you have opinions so everyone has somethin' to say and now you have to figure that piece out.

But then one day you realize you can make a friend that doesn't revolve around playdates and you really don't fucking care if your kids even like each other because the fact is you really like this other person. And that's so great, it really is.

I'm not sure what will come of the friendships in my life. I certainly hope I can grow and nurture the friendships that are meaningful. And I feel some sadness over friendships that have morphed into something else. But I'm trusting that I will continue to grow my circle when the time is right.

Get Away.

How can I love, love, LOVE my family so much and yet dream about needing to just get a momentary break from them?!

(frantically waving hand above head "I know! I know! I know!")

Easy. It's BECAUSE I love them so much and I'm so damn invested in their lives. It's because I have three children with the youngest being 4 months and I'm his EVERYTHING right now. It's because I'm human and not super-human and I tend to get into these darker places where everything feels BIG and sad and overwhelming.

This is a place where Oprah could come and swoop me away for a weekend away and I'd fall in love with the idea to just LEAVE and yet I wouldn't be able to actually go. Because as much as I need my space and I wish I had just a few hours away (or maybe a few days...a few weeks?) I'm tethered and connected and I. Just. Can't. Not now, at least.

One huge reason is that I've chosen to breastfeed exclusively. My youngest needs me, as in, he physically NEEDS me and this is a choice I've made. You'd think that from the sound of it I'm resentful and pissed and that I'm all whiny about it. No, no, no, you're wrong. I love my son. I love breastfeeding him. I could ask other mothers for milk, I could head to the store to buy formula, I could pump 'round the clock to get a huge stash of milk for him while I fly away to some exotic location. I have options, people! I know this. But nature has made it that I wouldn't be able to walk away from my baby at this point; my body and heart and mind would be consumed with thoughts of him, and I'd be miserable if we were truly separated. A couple hours I can do, but soon after that my body literally begins to ache for him. And to be honest, I don't WANT to leave the boy. I just don't. Not yet, at least.

Another reason I couldn't leave now is I need my husband. Lord, our relationship isn't flawless. We are approaching our tenth wedding anniversary and we're raising young children. It's good enough if he remembers to set up the coffee maker for the next morning and I remember to switch over the laundry. We're consumed with simply keeping our kids alive, and we wear our parenting hats ALL THE TIME. And while I would love some time away from the family, I just really couldn't walk out the door without my husband. Because as much as I want time for ME, I really, really want some time for US.

Alright, why else am I bucking my fantasy vacation that resides only in my head? I look around my house and there's SO MUCH I want to get done before I get that break. Because really, I don't want to head off for my getaway knowing I have a shitload of laundry that needs to get sorted, piles of stuff that I need to bring to the donation center, floors that need to be mopped. Yeah, my husband would do a lot of that housework, but I kinda need my space to be cleaned and cleared away and organized before we leave on vacation because I know when we return it's going to just get worse with vacation laundry and unpacking and all that other stuff that happens upon return. So before I leave to go ANYWHERE amazing, I need to physically prepare my space and feel good about the state of our home.

I know I won't be in this place forever. Man, we have had times when our parents have watched our children and we are KID-FREE for days at a time. It's totally great, by the way, and I LOVE that time where it feels like it's just the two of us. But those are at moments in our lives when we're ready for that break and the timing is right. Now? Now the timing is not right. I'm in this place of mothering my youngest that keeps me from really wanting to be separated. I need to be with my husband and share time TOGETHER before escaping my life and responsibilities. And my home and space does not feel settled; I need it to feel ready in order for me to leave. And perhaps it doesn't feel ready because I'm not ready to escape and embrace a solitude getaway.

No. Right now I love my time when I can write or read or rest. Browsing mindlessly on the computer or going to work without the baby...these are all tasks I can totally embrace and own. I'm not ready to head off or runaway from my stage in life. Not yet.

And so Oprah, if you're reading this, please, PLEASE don't choose me for some fantastic weekend vacation. That is, not unless I can bring my family.

Dear Diary.

It's late.  And my youngest kid is looking at me with these eyes that are screaming out I LOVE YOU and WHY AREN'T YOU TAKING ME TO BED?! Even on his dad's knee, bouncing away on the exercise ball, his eyes meet mine and we share a moment. 

We're watching Season 1 of The Wire, 'cause we're cool like that, and I'm wishing I had a cup of strong coffee at my side. And a piece of flourless chocolate cake. Mmm...that sounds good. But I don't and so I sit and write and rewrite and delete and save and keep writing. Glamorous, right?

Keeping this blog is a Dear Diary sort of experience and I don't really care who has access because that's too tiresome and I don't have time for that. And that's okay. 

My oldest kid is closer to seven than she is to six. She's emotional and smart and funny. She's really funny. The other day I made a pork loin and she said to me, "I must have this recipe so I can make it when I'm older." Really?! I love her and yet she can be so aggravating, and she challenges me in a way that frightens me. I want to keep her from feeling left out and awkward and all those other feelings I went through growing up. I dread the stage where she wants nothing to do with me because I love her so much. 

My middle child is nearly five years old and he's a hoot. I recall his infancy as stressful and hard, and he was just so sensitive. Nothing seemed to soothe his moods and I wanted him to just settle down and be calm. I hated hearing him cry and yet I didn't really know how to handle it. I let him cry in his crib and I wished for a different temperament. I wasn't a strong, able mother when he needed it most and I hate that. He's so talented at basketball, and he makes me laugh with his sense of humor. He says he doesn't want to live anywhere else than with me, but I know he'll change his mind. 

My youngest is sweet and he was born into my hands. I am ready to be the mother he needs, and I know someday my older children will tell me I'm letting their younger brother get away with everything. But I don't think it's about that; my priorities in parenting are different than they were six years ago. I'm savoring these sweet milky heavy breaths and slobbery kisses, and I'm more aware of fucking basic needs.  We need to be loved. We need to be held. We need to know that our loved ones will be there for us. 

My husband and I have been in each other' lives for around 26 years though we don't have many memories of each other until we were in fifth grade. We dated for a few months when we were fourteen and then resumed dating again when we were seniors in high school. We have a lot of history and while that's added to our relationship, it doesn't define us. We're figuring out what it means to be parents and partners, and though it's not perfect, I don't see my future without him. 

For now, I like to think of life as it is what it is. I'm going to be an old woman before I know it and my house will be clean and I'll finally own the white couch I've been coveting forever. I will hold onto these dear memories and wonder how in hell it went so fucking fast.